So I think it's finally time to tell you guys how interesting the past several months have been. Since I'm a type a person that likes to keep some things private, only those who work with me and those that are close to me really know what's been going on. Quite frankly as things are getting a little more complicated especially very recently, I feel it's time to break the silence and share a little bit about the whirlwind that has been tossing me around. I have to warn you this is not written in search of pity for what's happening, but more of a statement as to why I've been quieter on social media and why the performing engagements have gone a little quiet.
To come right out with it, I'm in need of a cornea transplant in order to function normally again. The Silverlining of course is that this procedure will provide the fix necessary to restore my vision to its fullest. The bad news is that I feel differently from day to day because so many factors go into my vision problems. For one, I depend fully on my left eye for my vision because the cornea in the right eye is so beat up and scarred, hence the need for a transplant. The second factor is that I have photophobia in my eyes which is incredible sensitivity to light. On top of that I can only wear contacts because a previous surgery requires something (a contact lens) to be pushing up against the cornea for stability. Combine the problem of seeing out of one eye, having extreme sensitivity to light, and a dependency on contacts that get super itchy, and it equates to a very bad struggle when it's sunny (which is 90% of the time in Texas).
Having that problem really stinks when you depend on your vision so heavily as part of your income. Through all of this, my specialist recommended to stay off contacts as much as possible which means no serious performing. I can't put on my contacts long enough to practice for serious engagements because it perpetuates the problem. I'm limited to the quick "one and done" sort of gig and that's killing me. Musicals which I love to perform, are out of the question right now for sure. What really kills me is the fact that our trio can't move forward just yet with some of the great things we wanted to plan. I know we can still work towards our goals as a group, but I feel heavily disconnected when I simply can't perform with my friends.
It never crossed my mind as a child that "playing with your friends" could mean so much. I remember how much time I would spend with my friends outside playing football or baseball or whatever was in season until nightfall. It seems like the only thing that could stop us from having fun was when it was time to get home or worse, when you were punished by your parents and weren't allowed to play. It was never fun when you were deprived from your routine of hanging out with your buddies, running around and just being kids. I was never a fan of being punished. However, there was a sense of euphoria when you served your punishment and were able to get back out there "where you belonged".
Since May, I have felt very much like that punished child that has not been able to play with his friends. I've only been able to do what's required and even then I feel like I can't do that to my very best. It might be an ego thing (as all musicians have an ego those that say they don't are lying to your face) but I don't feel like myself when I don't play music for audiences. I know that beautiful music can transform lives or simply make people happy. I truly feel like I understand my purpose on this planet and right now it feels like I'm not equipped for it.
There is an end to this problem in sight(no pun intended) and hope that at my next appointment on November 29, we can set a date for this surgery to happen. As my doctor said, "if we do this procedure you'll be reading music very well and you'll be enjoying those baseball games a lot more". If things go as planned then I should be back at it soon after my surgery. In the meantime, prayers, good thoughts, and good vibes are always welcome. I'm realizing that Patience truly is a virtue, and that good things are worth waiting for. This process was going to be a marathon from the get go and there haven't been any shortcuts available to take. This has certainly provided perspective as to how not all things are accomplished on OUR timeline and we have to be ok with it.
This "punishment" will be over soon and I'll be out there playing with my friends once again, just promise me that you'll come hear us.